I DON’T LOVE U!
Have you ever found yourself unable to express yourself?
You want to speak but you can’t find your voice.
You want to tell them how you feel but you can’t.
That’s what Lucas goes through.
When he wants to say “I love you” but he can’t.
FACING A PROBLEM U THINK U CAN’T SOLVE
“I love you,” Meredith whispered.
I nodded and muttered a “You too.”
“Say it,” she said.
“I-I ca-cant,” I stuttered.
“Why not?” she asked softly.
“It’s a promise, it’s a commitment and I’m just not ready for something like that right now,” I said. That sounded so lame, but what was I supposed to say?
“Okay,” she said, “you can say it whenever you’re ready. But let me just tell you that I do love you.”
And she walked out the door.
I was a 24 year old man. My last relationship with Hailey had ended when I couldn’t tell her I loved her. Meredith was different. I thought she’d understand me. But she expects me to say it too.
Words don’t matter. I love her and I’ve shown it to her. But I can’t say it. I can’t make a promise so big.
I called up Gauro and he picked up before the bell even rung.
“Hey man open up your door, I’m right outside,” he said.
I went and opened the main door and he barged in with a large pizza box in his hand.
I led him inside and we ate pizza, talking lightly about the basketball match last night.
YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON YOUR FRIENDS
“Can I tell you something?” I asked him.
“Sure man, you can tell me anything,” he said, “What’s bothering you?”
“Meredith told me she loved me,” I told him.
He stopped eating and looked at me, “So, Lucas, what did you say to her?”
“Me, too.” I muttered.
“And was she fine with that?” he asked me softly.
I shook my head. “I need to fix this. I-I-,” I stuttered.
“You love her?” he completed for me.
I nodded, “I do, I really do. I need her to give me time. I’m going to see a psychiatrist and I’m going to fix this. I can’t lose her too.”
“Okay man, I’ll help you,” he said.
I smiled and we continued eating and then started playing in the ground with other friends.
EVERY PROBLEM CAN BE SOLVED
I booked an appointment with a professional woman and headed to meet her.
“Hi,” I greeted, “I’m Lucas Hamilton.”
“Pamela Anderson,” she smiled.
“I hear you’re in urgency,” she said calmly, “you do understand that every type of therapy takes time. So I cannot assure you that everything can be done so quickly. Do you want to talk about it? Tell me what is wrong.” She took out a notebook and started to make points.
Her tone, her comforting words, made me want to spill everything. I never told anyone about my problem. Gauro understood, understsood the fact that I couldn’t talk about it. He never pressed me further about it.
“I’m with Meredith. And I-I-I,” I stuttered.
“You love her?” she asked me, “Yea, your friend Gauro let me know what the problem is.”
“That’s what,” I said, annoyed, “I don’t want someone to complete this sentence for me. I want to be able to say it myself! Why can’t I say it? Why me? I do, I want to tell Meredith that I do but I can’t even though I want to so badly.”
“Don’t worry. We’ll get through this. Why don’t you start by telling me about Meredith?” she asked softly.
So I did, I told her all about Meredith, and Hailey. I told everything I had been dying to tell someone for the past four years.
She listened intently, without any interruptions.
“So now you’re ready to tell Meredith?” she asked when I was done talking.
“Yes I am. When Hailey said it to me and I couldn’t say it back I thought it was because I didn’t feel that way about her. But now when I couldn’t say it to Meredith either, I knew there was a problem.” I explained.
“What do you believe could be the reason for this?” she asked me.
“I don’t know. If I knew, I would’ve tried to fix this problem.” I said, exhausted.
“Why do you hate that word? Why do you think it’s a promise that you won’t be able to keep?” she asked me.
“Because that’s what my dad said to my mom. But he left her, he left her for another younger girl. And my mom was in a terrible state. Drunk, always. She started smoking. And then she died. And there’s no one to blame for her death other than my dad for her state. If he didn’t tell her, she wouldn’t have expected this much from him. By saying what he told her, he promised her to be with her but he broke that promise. He left her and it killed my mom. And I don’t want to make a promise to someone I can’t keep.” I told her.
“Yes,” she agreed, “But you’re not like your dad. Why would you break your promise if you love her?”
“My dad did,” I explained, “Then why did he leave? I saw the way my dad looked at her. He did want to be with her. But he left. I want to be with Meredith, too. But what if I leave? Or she leaves me? I don’t want what happened to my mom to happen to us.”
“The reason you can’t say it is because you think it is a commitment, that you don’t want to break. Once you feel that it’s okay to promise someone the promise of love, you’ll be able to say it.” She told me, “and we are going to work on that. Your appointment is over for now. We will meet next week. Soon, you will be able to tell Meredith just how much you love her.”
“Thank you,” I said, shaking her hand. She smiled and I left her office, feeling hopeful.
I went home to find Meredith sitting on my couch waiting for me.
“Hey,” she greeted, “Gauro told me you went to see a therapist.”
“Yes, I did,” I agreed.
“So, can I ask you why?” she asked.
“No,” I said, “you can’t. I can’t tell you right now. I want to but I can’t explain it to you. But I swear to God I’m doing this for you. So please, just wait and I’ll tell you everything.”
“Honey,” she soothed, “there’s nothing wrong with you.”
“There is and I’m going to fix it,” I told her.
She nodded and cuddled up next to me. I wanted to tell her how I felt, but I didn’t want to break her heart.
She left and me and Gauro ordered pasta.
A week rolled by and Meredith didn’t say those three words again. I could see the hurt in her eyes, but I’m trying my best. We hung out normally, and I was glad how patiently Meredith was taking all of this.
I went to the psychiatrist again, and we started talking about Meredith.
“She’s not the same,” I told Pamela, “she ‘s acting different ever since I didn’t say it back to her.”
“We’re gonna have to fix that right?” she asked.
I nodded. We talked and she convinced me that I wouldn’t break Meredith’s heart.
“I’m my dad’s son. What if I do it too?” I asked.
“You’re not going to,” she said, assuredly, “You truly love her and you won’t.”
I sighed. I tried to get the words out but they wouldn’t come.
Weeks passed, I went to Pamela three times a week now but there was only little progress. Every time I felt like I could tell Meredith, the words just got stuck in my throat.
Meredith became less and less patient. She demanded to know.
“If you don’t tell me how am I supposed to help you?” she asked, frustrated.
“I don’t want you to help me.” I snapped.
I regretted what I said seconds later.
“Look, I didn’t mean it like that. You can’t help me. I have to do this alone. I really do. Just please trust me!” I pleaded.
“It’s been more than a month Lucas. How much longer? How am I supposed to trust you if I don’t even know what you’re doing? I trust you, but just let me know what’s up!” she pleaded.
“You know those three words you said? And I couldn’t say them back?” I asked.
“I can’t. I want to but I can’t. It’s in my head. My therapist is helping me get over it. It’s a, disease, in my brain and every time I try to I can’t but Meredith I do, I do. You know what I mean right? I do. But I just need time to say it.” I said.
She hugged me and softly said, “It’s okay. You don’t have to say it. I know that you do, tell me when you’re ready.”
AND NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE
“But Meredith I love you,” I whispered.
She smiled, “Say that again?”
“Say what again?” I asked dumbfounded.
“You just told me you loved me, say it again.” She said softly.
“I-I-,” I stuttered.
“Shh,” she soothed, “Hearing you say that was the most beautiful thing in the world. It’s okay. Take your time Lucas.”
After Meredith left, I ran to Pamela’s office.
“Hey,” she greeted, “our appointment is tomorrow.”
“I know,” I panted, “but this is important. Do you have a minute?”
She nodded and I told her everything.
“That’s great. That means that your mind has believed that you are capable of keeping this promise, but you are still doubtful. Which is why, you can say it accidentally. Once you convince yourself that you can do it, the words will flow out of your mouth easily.” She explained.
I smiled, “thank you so much.”
“Anytime. Well, we are done here,” she said.
“Done?” I asked.
“Yes, now all that’s left is for you to accept it. And that is something no one can help you with because that is completely up to you Lucas. It was nice to talk to you. You can come visit any time, and bring Meredith along, she sounds lovely.” She said smiling.
I nodded and ran back home.
“Meredith, I-“ I stuttered.
I kept staring at the mirror, trying but the words wouldn’t form.
I called Meredith and she was over at my house in seconds.
“Meredith, I-I-,” I started. I sighed.
“This is useless,” I said, frustrated. “I can’t say it. Why can’t I say it? I love you so much so why can’t-“ I stopped mid sentence realizing what I has just said.
Meredith was beaming at me.
I sat down and told her my family story.
When I was done she nodded, hugged me, comforted me, told me she would wait forever for me to say it.
She said it didn’t matter whether I said it or not, because she knew that I did love her indeed.
“Actions speak louder than words,” she told me.
I nodded, and everything was fine after that.
I felt like I’d never be able to say it, but all it took was determination, non-stop determination. Reason, I had a very strong reason to fight hard to say those three words.
Nothing is impossible.
Even the hardest of tasks can be accomplished by determination.